My Weakness
by LightPhyre
Summary: Sakura thinks about how she feels about Sasuke after the world is at peace and the war is over. Oneshot. Pre-Boruto. Sasusaku. Just some midnight ramblings by me.


My Weakness

.….….…..….

It's been too long since Sasuke was gone…

And as soon as he comes back, he leaves again.

He talks about his sins and repentance and how there are things that he needs to do alone.

But when will he finally realize that I've been here this whole time?

I've suffered because of how badly I'm in love with him, and he knows it.

At first I was infatuated, simply because he was the coolest guy in class. Everyone wanted him when we were kids. All the girls dreamed about him. He was everyone's 'future lover' and I was only one of his many admirers. He ignored us all back then anyway...

But when he left, they all turned their backs on him, saying that he was a traitor and a rogue. They said that he should be thrown in prison or killed on a mission. That they wouldn't even care if he died out there. That the village would be safer that way.

It was as if they just forgot about their own feelings...

But that wasn't me. I wanted to bring him home. I wanted him to be safe. I wanted things to go back to the way that they were…

Even when he tried to kill me… Even when he used his Sharingan to knock me out and show me awful things… I still couldn't help but love him.

And it hurt so much because everyone knew and they saw me as weak because of it. They all said that I needed to forget about him. That he was never coming back. Even Ino told me to stop caring about him. It was only Naruto who told me to never give up on Sasuke…

And now he's finally back.

The fighting is over. Kakashi-sensei is Hokage now. Naruto has asked for Sasuke's pardon, and because of who they are and the respect that they have in the village, Sasuke was allowed to come back freely and without consequence.

I know he regrets what he's done. I know he wishes that he could take it all back. He doesn't have to say it for me to know. He's done things that tell me that he's sorry. He's apologized in his own way, and of course I've forgiven him. I'd always forgive him. For everything.

He didn't even need to apologize, really...

I asked if he would take me with him, but he told me to stay. He told me that his journey now was one he had to take alone. I wish he wouldn't think like that.

I don't want to make him mine.

Before, he told Kakashi-sensei that he had no reason to love me or be loved by me. He said it was something useless, but that was a little while ago. Has anything changed?

Naruto and Hinata are definitely together now. I see them on dates all the time, and she's been starting to sleep over at his place a couple times a week. I'm happy for them. I really am. But a part of me sees them and becomes extremely sad. Maybe it's just because he's not here. Maybe it's because I'm afraid he'll never come back again.

I wish I could talk to him. I wish he made visits to see me. But the last time he came home, he saw Naruto and a few others, and then he was gone again. He didn't even remember me.

I'm just a shadow to him.

I stand here, willing to give him everything whenever he asks it of me, and I think he knows it. He'll just ignore me until he needs something…

It hurts sometimes.

Maybe he's just a little dull in that area. Maybe he just doesn't understand how to reciprocate feelings for someone. Maybe he doesn't even realize how deep my love for him is, and how much it affects me—mentally, physically and emotionally. Every fiber of who I am tells me that I am his.

But he doesn't seem to want me.

I wonder if he'll ever want me.

One day he may come back to the village with a girl on his arm. Maybe he'll show up one day with a ring on his finger. Or maybe he'll stop by and say hello, and tell me I'm a good friend to him and I always was.

I don't know which one would hurt the most…

I tried going out, actually. I went on a few double dates with Ino, and I met a few of the village's most eligible bachelors. There were quite a few that were perfect—they had a handsome face, a wonderful, kind personality, and they were successful in life, either in schooling or in ninja training. There was no reason for me to not be interested in people like that.

And yet I wasn't. I could barely bring myself to feel anything for any of them. All I could think about was…

"It's not supposed to be you."

It would play over and over in my head like a mantra and it wouldn't get out. I could hear it over our conversations. I could hear it as I saw their faces for the first time and as we had dinner and when they would walk me home.

Because it's not supposed to be anyone else.

I sometimes wonder how everyone else got over him so easily. After all, when you love someone so much, even as a child, how does that ever go away? Maybe it's just me. Maybe I have a problem. Ino got over him when he never came back with us—when he chose that snake over his friends and his village.

Revenge had consumed him.

Maybe it's because I tried to understand him. I could never have known what he was feeling. I've never been through anything like the trauma he went through when he was so young. But I felt for him. My heart reached out to him. I wanted him to feel like he could trust me. He could use me for whatever he needed. Whatever would make him okay again.

Use me.

Just don't ignore me.

Even when he tried to kill me, at least he was putting forth that effort. At least then he saw me.

I feel like a child again. I feel like I'm a hopeless little girl with a crush, even though it's much worse than that. I can barely get out of bed some days. I see everyone, so happy with each other. And I can feel the piece missing from my life. I'm not whole when he's not here. I'm going to be empty for the rest of my life, it seems.

I stare at the door, waiting for him to come home.

Maybe he avoids me on purpose when he comes back. Maybe he didn't forget about me at all those times. Maybe he went straight to Naruto and Kakashi-sensei and spoke with them, but the whole time he was thinking about me.

He told me he'd see me when he was back in the village. But that's twice now that he's broken his promise. Him and Naruto are so alike, but that's one thing that they don't have in common. Sasuke doesn't always keep his word. He doesn't always think of others before himself.

He's actually quite selfish when I think about it.

Doesn't that mean that if he wanted me, he would come and get me, then?

The only explanation is that he doesn't really care.

And that hurts, too.

I'm not sure if I would rather have him call me his friend, or ignore me altogether. Either way sounds painful. I guess I would rather have him in my life than not at all, but doesn't that make me selfish, too?

When something is meant to be, if you let it go, it should come back to you, right?

I don't understand. Maybe I never really let him go. Maybe that's the problem.

If I let him go right now, in this very moment, will he ever come back?

And if I truly let him go, will I even want him to come back?

Of course I would. I always will, for as long as I breath. I live again every time I see him. Even when I watch him walking away, and all I can see is his back to me, I still live.

But when he's gone…

When I force myself to picture him never coming back again…

I'm not the same person anymore.

I don't know who I become, either.

Maybe I'm just dead inside. It sure feels that way.

I hold on so tightly to the past, as if the present moment means nothing to me. And that's no way to live. I'm so scared to look to the future. What if he's not in it? What if he is?

A knock at my apartment door makes me slink away, into the corner of my room.

The world is at peace, and it feels so unnatural to me. I'm so used to fighting and healing and giving it my all. What am I supposed to do when all of that goes away and I'm told to live a normal life now? I can't help but be skeptical at who's behind that door. Maybe I hope it's someone here to kill me. Maybe that will start something more natural to me. I could go on a mission with some Chunin and Jonin, and maybe I'll bump into him on the way…

I'm just fantasizing now. I know there's no threat behind my door. It's probably Ino or Hinata, just checking in on me. They know of what I'm going through. I wouldn't exactly say that they understand it, but they know. Ino and Sai are doing well, just like Hinata and Naruto. Everyone seems to be following their dreams and starting relationships with the people they've cared about for a while.

Everyone but me.

I hear my name being called and then another loud round of knocks.

It's definitely Ino.

I force myself to stand and smile as I go to open the door, all the while hoping that maybe he'll be on the other side...


End file.
